In 1960 R. D. Laing, a psychiatrist highly critical of the available theories of mental illness, wrote one of my favorite books of that era, The Divided Self. In it he challenged earlier explanations of psychological disorders and proposed that we develop problems when we deny our authentic selves and cultivate “false” selves to please others. Like many other developmentally astute theorists, he said we learn as children that when we show others our true feelings we risk rejection and punishment. To win their acceptance we pretend to be who others tell us we must, no matter how much this violates our sense of wholeness and integrity. One remedy, he said, is to create relationships and communities where each of us can be in touch with the “real” self–the thoughts, impulses, emotions, and sensations that come to us from within rather than from others ‘musts’ and ‘shoulds.’
These ideas had been proposed but articulated differently decades earlier by theorists like Alfred Adler and Karen Horney. Laing tweaked them and presented them in language a new generation could hear.
Now, more than 50 years after Laing published The Divided Self I recognize his (and Horney’s and Sullivan’s and others’) ideas again in A Hidden Wholeness: Journey toward an Undivided Life by teacher and activist Parker Palmer. Palmer writes: “Afraid that our inner light will be extinguished, or our inner darkness exposed, we hide our true identities from each other. In the process we become separated from our own souls. We end up living divided lives, so far removed from the truth we hold within that we cannot know ‘the integrity that comes from being what you are.'”
Palmer’s words strike me as a clear call for relationships–including therapy relationships–that invite, rather than stifle, self-discovery. Friends and family members may not be the best ones to provide these because their own needs and agendas can make it difficult for them to hear or tolerate their loved ones’ “truths.” Others, without the same personal investments can often listen less anxiously, more acceptingly, and simply, more quietly. Palmer offers guidance for forming “circles of trust” to facilitate the process. I like this idea, but I recognize that not everyone has the resources or networks to gather such a circle of listeners. And I believe that even those who can organize or participate in circles of trust, may find deeper and more focused listening from a compatible therapist.