Negative self-evaluation is harmful to our health. That was the conclusion of a study by Strauman, Lemieux, and Coe* in 1993. They touted their work as “the 1st experimental demonstration that negative self-evaluation can alter immune responses,” and it has been followed by numerous studies that link self-criticism with poor health outcomes.
One way that we hurt ourselves is by relying on numbers—rather than our immediate experience—to gauge whether or not we’re adequate. Stepping on the bathroom scale in the morning can be one such moment, leading either to self-praise or self-criticism. Sometimes that self-criticism is simply ugly. In fact we may say things to ourselves, in response to that number, that are harsher than we would ever utter to a loved one.
Moving through the days, weeks, and months we judge ourselves according to the numbers again and again. We compare ourselves to others in terms of income, test scores, course grades, work evaluations, hours worked, age, even zip code.
I believe that we judge ourselves not because we believe in the numbers but because every bit of reassurance we can cobble together quiets—if only for a moment—our fears of rejection and abandonment, the consequences of inferiority. This sounds like a stretch, but I hear it repeatedly in therapy sessions where the concerns and questions often boil down to one core question: “Am I loveable?”
Noticing when we use numbers to bolster (or to undermine) self-esteem may be a step toward freeing ourselves from their tyranny. My goal is to hear myself counting, adding, and multiplying as I do it, so that I can tell myself things like, “That doesn’t define me” or “I don’t need to do this.”
*Self-discrepancy and natural killer cell activity: Immunological consequences of negative self-evaluation. by Strauman, Timothy J.; Lemieux, Andrine M.; Coe, Christopher L. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 64(6), Jun 1993, 1042-1052. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.64.6.1042