Cows are among the group of mammals that we call ruminants. Like elk, sheep, giraffes, buffalo, and several other species, they regurgitate and chew on partially digested food so that they can extract every bit of nutrition from what they eat.
Humans ruminate over thoughts, not food. This is, unfortunately, not as productive or efficient as it is for our four-legged friends, and may actually hurt us.
A number of different approaches to psychology claim that we can move beyond suffering and toward well-being (happiness, if you dare) by breaking the habit of ruminating about our problems and, instead, focusing on how we are feeling and what we are experiencing in any moment.
I don’t mean to suggest that feelings are the most important dimension of human life. I don’t believe that we should base our decisions primarily on how we feel, whether the decision is small (“Should I have that dessert?”) or huge (“Should I end this relationship?”) In other words, if it feels good, that doesn’t necessarily mean we should do it. And if it feels bad, that doesn’t mean we should avoid it. We should not mistake feelings for truths. But ignoring our feelings, or believing that we can reason our way out of them, doesn’t work. In fact, neuroscientist David Rock, author of Your Brain at Work, explains that suppressing intense emotions can backfire and make them stronger. This, in turn, can interfere with thinking, impair memory, and send confusing and threatening signals to the people around us.
What is the alternative to suppressing, ignoring, or denying unpleasant or painful feelings? According to psychologist Tara Brach, we can use a simple three-step strategy to calm ourselves when our minds are chewing over the same fears or concerns again and again. (Many people find this strategy helpful to address unsettledness or unhappiness even when they aren’t aware of ruminating.)
Step One: Name the feeling. Finding the best-fitting word for an emotion is a relief in itself. Simply saying something like “I feel threatened” (or sad, or devastated, or lonely, or anxious, or forlorn) takes some of the power away from the unpleasant experience.
Step Two: Validate the feeling. This should be short and simple. It might sound like, “Of course I feel threatened. I’m not sure what that person’s intentions are,” or “It makes sense that I’m sad, because I lost something important,” or “No wonder I feel anxious; I don’t know if this will turn out the way I hoped.” Validating feelings helps us to avoid the impulse to judge our feelings or talk ourselves out of them.
Step Three: Tell yourself kind and reassuring truths. In other words, talk to yourself and practice feeling toward yourself the way you might respond to a beloved child or friend who is in emotional pain. This could include phrases such as, “It’s hard but you can do this,” or “It hurts, but painful feelings always get easier,” or “Hang in there, kiddo.”
These steps are not necessarily easy. Understanding what gets in the way of doing each of these can have great benefits. Then practicing them makes this process more readily available in moments of distress, and makes it possible to interrupt ruminations and move back into experiencing the moment.